When Randomness Attacks
by dreadlockedpencil
Summary: Will is coming out of the closet! Elizabeth hates rock candy! Jack's trapped in a box! Those are a few of the ficlets I've put in here. So basically it's just random ficlets. Rating for language and content.
1. Gumball Machine

I'm bored, so I feel like writing a humor about POTC. So sue me. Or just read it. I feel like a drink... maybe some hot chocolate.  
  
Disclaimer:I don't own POTC  
  
Chapter 1  
  
Jack walked into his Captain quarters on the Black Pearl, only to find Will sitting on his bed crying.  
  
"What's wrong man? You're crying like a woman!"  
  
Will looked up at the pirate with tear-filled eyes. "That's because I AM a woman! They've taken away my pride and joy!"  
  
A confused look crossed Jack's face. Then a look of realization dawned him. "Oh GOD NO!!! EEEWWWW!!!"  
  
Will started bawling. "YES! THEY'VE TAKEN AWAY MY SWORD!!!!!!!!"  
  
Jack looked somewhat relieved. "What does that have to do with your being a man?"  
  
Will strated crying even harder, if that was possible. "It's more precious to me than little Jack!"  
  
Jack looked confused once again. "Who's "little Jack"? Do I even want to know?"  
  
Will pointed to his lap. "I named him after you, because you helped me prove I even had him!"  
  
Jack held his hand over his mouth like he was about to puke. "I did not need to know that mate."  
  
Will was positively screaming now.  
  
Jack tried to be reassuring. "I'll get you a new one!"  
  
Will sniffed. "A better one?"  
  
"A better one."  
  
"That one?" said Will pointing to Jack's only true love, besides the Pearl.  
  
"WHat one?" asked JAck. "THat one!?"  
  
Will nodded.  
  
Jack put on a smile. "Aye, that one." then he muttered under his breath, "You have no idea how many times that line has gotten me out of trouble."  
  
WIth no warning whatsoever, Will immediately got off Jack's bed, walked to the gumball machine in the corner, and started to...make love to it.  
  
Jack grabbed his arm and pulled him away from Jack's salvation and glory. "What the hell are you doing man? Have you lost all sense of control?"  
  
Will stared down at him. "I'm lonely. Can I stay with you?" Will looked at Jack with hopeful eyes.  
  
Jack groaned. "You'll be sleeping with the crew then."  
  
Will looked downcasted. "But I'll get lonely."  
  
"But you'll be with the crew!"  
  
"But I won't have nay FRIENDS!!!" Will started to cry once more.  
  
"FINE!" bellowed Jack, causing Will to stop crying.  
  
"You may sleep in my room, but on an extra cot."  
  
Will smiled, then frowned. "But I'll get cold without someone to be near me."  
  
"But-" Jack started to protest, then he saw the lip pop out, threatening to cause that unnatural racket to start again. "You can sleep in my bed. But no funny business. I don't swing that way."  
  
Jack walked up deck and Will settled into his new bed.  
  
Will smiled. "We'll see about that, Captain Jack "Sexy Beast" Sparrow."  
  
Will then began to laugh that evil person laugh.  
  
"Heh heh heh heh heh. Ha ha ha ha ha. Muahahaha. MUAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!!!"  
  
Then Jack came back pointing his gun at Will.  
  
"YOU TOUCH MY RUM AND YOU DIE YOU BASTARD!"  
  
Then he saw that Will had only settled into the bed. "Well, you heard me." he said, then headed back up deck.  
  
-TBC-  
  
So how'd you all like it so far? I think that this will be getting interesting... 


	2. Bad Habit

So this story used to be about Will going gay. But I've now made it into random ficlets. I've changed the rating to R because of this chapter, and you shall see why. I think this chapter is a little based ont his other story that I read. Can't remember the name, but it'll come to me. Eventually. Or not, either way.

I'm having a breakout right now(facial breakout for those who don't know) and my face kinda hurts right now. Not that you care, but alright.

So let's get this started.

Disclaimer: I don't own.

Elizabeth gazed out her bedroom window, hoping that Will would stop his blacksmith...ing and come see her. Ever since she had noticed his manhood, or lack of thereof, he had ignored her and avoided her.

Maybe it had something to do with how she stared in horror. Or maybe the part where she had laughed maniacally. For about three hours. But who knew, right?

Elizabeth was thinking about how...small...he had been when...

Sudenly, an idea struck Elizabeth like a bolt of lightning strikes a harmless rabbit.

By the time she had fallen on the ground and finished jolting around violently, she had forgotten her idea.

So she resumed looking out of her window, and sighing.

Then she remembered her idea. This time, instead of lightning, it was a fish.

Elizabeth ate it hungrily. She hadn't eaten anything ever since she had started to stare out her window, which was approximately seven minutes ago. Ergo, she was famished.

After she ate her halibut, she acted upon her idea.

She put on a clean dress (you can't spend seven looking out a window and not get dirty, especially if you're Elizabeth.), ran down the stairs, out the door, and into the streets.

She never got why Will was a blacksmith.

Apparently there was something about hitting metal with metal.

It was beyond her, like most things were.

But that was Elizabeth for you.

And she had no idea why metal was so fascinating.

But that was Will for you.

First a blacksmith, than a swordsman, then a stalker, then a pirate, and now he was as good as a eunuch. How sad his life must be.

Elizabeth, fish in hand, ran to the blacksmith shop, where obscene noises were coming out of the far corner.

Elizabeth decided that maybe Mr. Brown was having some...difficulties... and decided to go to Will's room, which incedentally happened to be located behind the wall at the far corner.

She walked up to the door, and before she could change her mind, she threw open the door and strode into the room.

"Hi Wi-" she started to greet him. Then she saw that Will was naked. And bending over. "OH MY GOD!" she screamed as her jaw hit the ground. Literally. She had fallen over.

Will glanced up form his...thing... and waved at her.

"Hey Liz!" he said cheerfully. "Want a lick?"

Elizabeth shook her head. "You had sworn off doing that!"

He frowned. "But it's just so HARD!!!" he looked at her. "Pardon the pun."

"Whatever." said Elizabeth and she stormed off.

Will shrugged and sucked on his rock candy. "I know it gives you cavities, but they're so YUMMY!"

A/N: That was kinda gross sounding. Well, maybe a little more than kinda gross. Now you see why it's rated R now. Anyhow, yeah. R&R!! 


	3. Jack's in TROUBLE! Part 1

Have you people seen Benny and Joon? It was on tv yesterday and I really liked it. I recorded it. The Man In The Moon was on also, but it was too late to record it so I didn't, but I really liked it. I didn't like the way Court died though.

So anyhow, welcome to the new chapter.

Have any of you seen Ocean's Eleven? Well if you haven't, then go see it. Rent it cause it's kinda old. And then go see the sequal. I plan to. Ocean's Eleven is really good. I like it. It's a little bit of funny, a teeny bit of romance, some action, some explosions. Realy nice. Anyhow, let's get this started!

Disclaimer:I don't own POTC tee hee, those little arrows are cewl. Sorry.

Jack and Elizabeth were fighting.

Not only that, but it was a big fight. A serious fight. A big serious fight. There we go.

And this is how the fight started.

Jack was, once again, dancing ballet, or at least attemting to dance ballet, around the fire.

As he plied and grand jeted(spelling?) around the big pit of light, he accidentally stepped on Elizabeth's corset. It happened to be the corset made of glass, which was strange because they're not usually made of glass, but it's all good.

He then attempted to fix the corset with Will's favorite hammer, and that broke too. For osme reason.

So now, Will was standing next to Elizabeth, Elizabeth was lecturing him in a very high pitched voice indeed and Will was yelling. In a very broken voice indeed.

"-what were you thinking-" "-totally irresponsible-" "-what's the matter with you-" said Elizabeth and Will, in which Jack assumed meant they were angry.

"WOAH!" yelled Jack and he jumped up off the floor, did a little jig on the broken glass and started to sing random Michael Jackson songs in an Australian accent. "Billy Jean, is not my lover. She's just a girl, who claims that I am the one! But the kid is not my son."

Will and Elizabeth just stared blankly.

After a few moments, they both broke out in lectures. Again.

"-no mind at all-" "-for the love of pete-" "-can't know what's goingo n in that little drunk world of his-"

After several hours, they finally shut up. Actually, the only reason that they shut up was because Jack grabbed Elizabeth's next best corset and one of Will's favorite axes and threatened to break both if they didn't shut their yaps.

They both did shut up, but still glared at Jack angrily, silently seething.

"Alright," said Jack, still holding the corset and axe. "First of all, why was the corset glass? And even though it is glass, when is it okay to have glass around when I'm here?" This question was directed at Will, but I guess he didn't know that because Elizabeth answered.

"It was glass because..." Elizabeth paused for what Will and Jack thought was effect, but what she really paused for was because she didn't know. "Just because!"

Will rolled his eyes. "That's it." he said pointing at Jack. "You're going in the box!"

Jack started to yell. "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!"

Will and Elizabeth laughed evily and shoved him inside the cardboard box where Jack felt something touch his hand.....

-TBC-

HAHAHAHA CLIFFHANGER! Anyhow, R&R! I'll continue this next chapter. 


	4. Jack's in TROUBLE! Part 2

**Welcome to JACK GETS IN TROUBLE!!!!!! PART 2!!!!!!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own POTC!!! NOT OWNING POTC ISSSSS BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDD!!!!!!**

Jack felt something touch his hand......

He yelped in fear and grabbed hold of his hand with his mouth.

He shivered in fear. It was dark, and cold and Jack was beginning to think that he was clausterphobic.

He decided that in order to distract himself, he would think of happy times.

-Jack's Thoughts-

_It was a frosty Monday morning and Jack had just turned 10 years old. Jack loved mondays. It went against every grain of the rest of the human race, but he did._

_He breathed in the fresh morning air and put on a nice suit._

_Today he planned to go to church with his father. And his brother too._

_When they arrived, Jack's father decided that he would kill the preacher._

_That went badly._

_He was holding the gun the wrong way, and he shot himself._

_Jack remembered looking down on the mangled, bloody body, thinking horrible thoughts, like when--_

Jack opened his eyes and screamed loudly.

He hadn't meant to think of something that scary.

Then he heard a voice call his name.

"Jack..."

"What do you want?!" yelled Jack fearfully.

"It's just Gibbs, sir." said Gibbs coming out of the darkness and going into the not-so-dark darkness.

Jack felt his face and sighed with relief.

After a while, they both got bored.

"Hey!" exclaimed Jack. "Why don't we play tag!!!"

An elf entered the box through a pretty purple portal. He had Long blonde hair and pointy ears.

"I AM LEGOLAS!" he proclaimed and put his fists on his hips and tried to stand up. It didn't work.

Haven't I seen you before?" asked Jack. "Girls Gone Wild, right?"

Then Jack blushed. "Or maybe I met you somewhere..." he muttered.

Legolas looked confused. "I'm a man though."

Jack and Gibbs burst out laughing. shouts of "girl...HAHAHA!" and "yer pullin me..." rang out in the box.

Then the laughter stopped.

"I hadn't noticed how big this box is." said Jack aloud.

"There's even another world if you head east." agreed Legolas.

"Really?" asked Gibbs.

Legolas nodded even though they couldn't see it cause it was dark. Which makes me wonder how we knew he was blonde...

"Really?" asked Gibbs again. "Really? Really? Really? Really? Rea-"

"YES!" hollered Legolas, cutting him off.

Gibbs chuckled. "heh heh heh...."

"Follow me." said Legolas.

The two pirates followed Legolas into a winter wonderland.

There were big majestic evergreen trees everywhere, and they were all coated in a fine layer of snow.

"Wow!" said Jack looking around.

After several hours, he realized that Gibbs and Legolas had left him.

Thw rold turned into a dark house. I think.

Several little girls were jumping rpe in front of the house.

"1, 2, Freddy's coming for you. 3, 4, lock your door. 5, 6--"

Jack ran screaming.

The world turned into a red boiler room.

Gibbs came out of nowhere.

"I'm Freddy." he said in a low voice. "And I like fudge."

Jack laughed and patted Gibbs on the back. "Yer Gibbs mate. I'm not that drunk."

Gibbs turned into a man with a badly-burnt face, knifey fingers and a strange christmas sweater and a hat.

Jack screamed and ran away.

He ran right into Legolas.

"I'm Jason." said Legolas. (I know that Jason has never spoken.)

Jack laughed nervously. "I thought you were Legolas." he said in a confused voice.

Legolas turned into a person with a hockey-mask and a big sword-like thing.

Jason pushed Jack out of the way and walked up to Freddy.

They started to fight.

Jack had taken to cheering them both on, just in case they turned on him.

Jack felt himself being shaken.

Then he opened his eyes.

Standing over him was Will and Elizabeth, no doubt come to free him from his cardboard prison.

They both looked relieved for a minute. Then they started to lecture him. Again.

"God, NO!" screamed Jack...

Everything went black.

A man dressed in a suit came out of nowhere. "Welcome to the twilight zone." he said.

Let's just leave it at that...

**A/N: YAY! That chapter kept changing. In case you don't know, it went from a story called "Oh No! Me Oh My!" by Dead INsomniac to Lord Of The Rings to The Lion The Witch And The Wardrobe to Freddy vs. Jason To the Twilight Zone.**

**YAY!! THE END!!!!**


	5. Burning Down the Ship

This is the conversation of JACK AND WILL!!! YAY!!!! PIRATESSTALKERSGOOOOOOODDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!

Disclaimer:I don't own POTC. I don't like having to do a disclaimer because it reminds me of what I (sadly) DON"T own. FUCK THIS!!! I'm just KIDDIN with ya!!

Jack and Will sat, facing each other, on opposite sides of a small wooden table. The chairs had been destroyed in the fire(you'll learn about the fire later) so they were sitting on the floors.

Jack was clutching, in his hand, a half-empty bottle of rum. Will was holding what was left of his favorite sword(just the hilt).

"Why in the world did you try and burn down the ship, Will?" asked Jack as he looked around at the scorched walls of his ship, a tear in his eye.

"I got bored." said Will in that concentration tone that he uses.

"You could have told me and I would have given you something to do!" shouted Jack.

"You fucking would have just fucking told me to swab the fucking decks or something fucked up like that!"

"Hey!" said a passing crew member. "Watch the fucking language."

-flashback-

Will sat in the middle of Jack's room cross legged. He held three bottles of rum in his...arms... and on the floor beside him were 5 books of matches.

-Will's thoughts-

What should I do now? I've got all these matches, and flammable liquids. Now what to do...

I KNOW! I can set fire to the flammable liquid! THen I can light some sticks on fire and try to fight fire with fire! YEAH!

Will danced ballet while flinging rum everywhere on Jack's cabin. He got some on his clothes, so he took them off and flung them into the corner(for those of you Will fans).

The he lit a few matches and threw them into various places, including Jack's gold bag, his maps, and, God Lord NO, his rum cabinet.

Pretty soon the room was up in flames.

Jack rushed down to see why it was so hot on the ship.

When he saw the flames, and Will's nakedness, he sheilded his eyes.

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL HAVE YOU DONE!!!" he screamed in agony.

-end flashback-

Jack burst into tears. "What have you done to my ship." he sobbed.

Will patted him on the back softly.

"FUCK OFF YOU PIMP!" screamed Jack..

"I'm not a PIMP." said Will.

"HOw do you know, you don't even know what a Pimp is." said Jack still crying.

"What is it then?" asked Jack.

"Well, erm." said Will. "I'll go find out. Where's your dictionary?"

"You BURNED IT YOU ARSE!"

"oh. Yeah. Well I'll go ask someone."

(Will goes to Gibbs to ask what the word pimp means)

"Gibbs."

"What?"

"What's a pimp?"

"Are you a virgin?"(I know, I mention this a lot. But hey, it's funny.)

Will looked at him in a confused way.

"WHat does that have to do with anything?"

Gibbs rolled his eyes. "Just answer."

"No I am not."

"Well who did you lose it to?"

"I'm not telling." said Will indignantly.

"Well then I won't answer your question."

"So she was a prostitute, I bet Jack lost his to a prostitute." Will shrugged and blushed.

"Actually no, he didn't, but you'll have to take that up with him."

"So what's a pimp?"

"They're basically prostitute dealers."

"Oh."

WIll skipped off happily.

"I know what pimp means." said Will cheerfully as he barged into what was once the best room on the ship.

"THAT'S JSUT GREAT!!!!!!!" yelled Jack angrtily.

"HAS IT OCCURED TO YOU THAT I DON'T CARE? HMM? NO? WELL GO SUCK SOME OCTUPUS ARSE!!!"

Jack picked up Will like a football, brung him to the edge of the ship, and tossed him overboard. Then, feeling better than usual, he said cheerily to the crew, "Man overboard!"

He skipped into his quarters, opened up a bottle of rum, and began to sing to himself, which he continued to do for the rest of the day.

Will was hauled aboard, and had a very bad cold for the next few days. He also began to hate Jack, and ended up cursing him under his breath every few seconds.

And they lived in hate for the rest of the trip.

A/N: I haven't been getting any reviews. I don't know why. SO DROP OFF A BLOODY REVIEW!!!!!!! 


	6. They've Stolen WHAT?

I'm SORRY! I haven't updated since... January. Ouch. I'm trying to update all my stories monthly now... I've got like 12, so it'd be hard to update all of them weekly. 

Disclaimer: I dont own POTC! You should know this by now. And if you don't, I'll say it again: I don't own potc. By the way, I post other stories on a nother site. That site is... QUIZILLA! For some reason whenI type websites, theyd on't show up to the public. So just go to my homepage.

Ah yes, and the beginning fo this chapter is similar to the first chapter's beginning.

Jack walked into his Captain quarters of the Pearl, only to find Norrington sitting on his bed and crying.

"Why is it always my room?" moaned Jack sadly. "What's wrong with you then?"

Norrington looked up, obviously startled. "Wait. This isn't the Interceptor..."

"Naw, you idiot, the Interceptor was blown up."

"Oh. That explains a lot."

"Like what, for example?" asked Jack, curious for no reason other than he was bored. And slightly drunk. As usual.

"Like my crew telling me repeatedly that the Interceptor was blown up."

"... So why are you here?"

Norrington burst into tears again.

"I've lost my manhood!" he howled.

Jack's face contorted with disgust.

"I'm going to regret asking this question..." mumbled Jack. "How?"

"While I was sleeping, some... ROUGHIANS stole it. USING A RAZOR!" Norry sobbed loudly.

"Don't worry. I'll kill them. Tell me who they are, and I'll get them, by George." Jack suddenly cared immensly for the wig-wearing commodore and instantly vowed to get revenge on his friend's attackers.

"It was Turner. And Gibbs."

"Then I will get them. I will get them good. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

That was part one. I hope to get part 2 up this week. If not, next week. But I promise to update! I PROMISE!


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